From Loneliness to Abiding

When reflecting on how to prepare for lonely days—whether it’s a long weekend, a holiday, or an afternoon after church—my mind races in a thousand directions, considering all the reasons why loneliness is such a challenging emotion.

Wisdom (and practical advice) offers many ideas and resources on how to occupy our minds, time, and energy. It would be wise to compile a list of solutions in advance—before sadness deepens into self-pity or depression.

As a 55-year-old single man whose parents have recently passed and whose closest connections are now married and starting families, I find that my resourcefulness must be more targeted than ever. This stands in contrast to my teenage years through my late thirties, when I had a wealth of single friends readily available for hangouts, camping trips, and other activities.

How we envision and experience Jesus can have either a net-negative or net-positive effect on our relational stability as we mature.

For instance,

• if I don’t challenge my belief that God’s rules are arbitrary, then as I mature, I will never consider that He is relational and desires to help me. I will be more prone to cynicism;
• if I refuse to forgive someone, as I mature, I will become bitter and unable to open up and trust again; however,
• if I foster curiosity about how my interplay of good and bad relationships affected me and process these fairly well, then as I mature, I will be open, warm, and ready for relationship.

My challenge for anyone who struggles with loneliness is to remember the importance of fostering your relationship with Jesus. As I’ve studied Attachment Theory, I’ve come across the idea that all theology is about attachment. To abide in the Vine, means we attach to Jesus. Initially, your feelings of loneliness may increase, but a dive into the topic of His affection for us will have long-term, net-positive effect in relationship to Him, our primary love relationship. How we foster this directly impacts anyone else we encounter, be that a friend, a person at the mall, or even your enemy.

Consider investing time to absorb content from books, blogs, podcasts, and/or videos on topics regarding God’s love for us, as witnessed in these verses:

• Psalm 18:19 states, "He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me." This verse beautifully encapsulates the idea that divine rescue is rooted in love and delight.
• 2 Samuel 22:20 echoes this sentiment, affirming that God saves those who are in distress because of His affection for them.
• Zephaniah 3:17: "The Lord your God is in your midst... he will rejoice over you with gladness"
• Psalm 149:4: "He takes delight in his people, especially those who are afflicted"
• The Song of Solomon, when read as an allegory, yields many insights on the interplay of love between God and His creation.

Or consider consuming content in general that fosters connection, communion or a better understanding on how God created us. Some which have been helpful to me:

Or consider consuming content in general that fosters connection, communion or a better understanding on how God created us. Some which have been helpful to me:

• Sacred Companions by David G. Benner
• Introverts in the Church by Adam S. McHugh
• Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals our Way to Healing by Jay Stringer
• Strength in Weakness by Andrew Comiskey

Our time spent reading scripture, digging through to find morsels of delightful goodness, helps foster what scripture calls “abiding in the vine.” Another way to put it is that this process is just like tilling the soil of our hearts so that the good things we are learning about can grow.

It would be wise to cultivate a daily rhythm of time in the Word of God in ways that foster connection. One cannot expect this kind of connection to be instantly gratifying. No, we cultivate this connection over time, building our resource of indwelling love to sustain us as we go.

I know too well the battle of getting into Bible reading. Rather than forcing myself, I rarely did it. I was recently introduced to Tara-Leigh Cobble’s The Bible Recap. I subscribed to this reading plan through the YouVersion Bible app. Rather than deal with my eye-roll emotions of having to read through boring, pasty passages, I listen to the scriptures while I shower. Then later in the day I listen to or watch the recap video. I’ve kicked my perfectionistic, legalistic leanings out the door, so there’s been room to miss a day or two. I’m happy to announce that I’ve enjoyed over 100 days of God’s delightfully enjoyable scripture! I am building resources for comforting my lonely heart by abiding in the vine.